These are my confessions

Wait a minute… July? Have I really not updated this blog since July?

Yes, it’s true, I’ve been a slacking blogger, to say the least. When last I posted, we were on our way to a fun family vacation in Florida. And if you didn’t know any better, you might think we somehow perished on that trip!

Well, we didn’t. But life has a way of sucking up time, and before I knew it, it was back to work in September. And as the days stretched on, the blog remained neglected. I hit a point where I realized I had a choice to make. Either confess to my lax attitude toward the blog and try again or just give up and delete the blog altogether.

It would have been simpler to delete the blog, that’s for sure. For one thing, I am teaching more hours than ever this semester (long story) and am up to my eyeballs every day in prep and marking. With two kids in activities and a busy schedule, I couldn’t blame myself for taking the easy way out.

But I haven’t even remotely reached any of my goals in this cleaner, leaner and greener journey and I do still have much I want to achieve. I need motivation, and by resuming this blog, perhaps I can dig deep and find some of that inner motivation. So back to blogging it is, after taking a six-month hiatus! Now, it’s not all dire and grim. I have been doing some work in at least one of these areas. Here’s my update:

Cleaner:

Okay, I’ve fallen really behind on the declutter/decrap the home project. After a good start, things really fell apart after the vacation in July. I started back at work, we went on TWO grown-up only vacations (yes, I’m spoiled) and before I knew it, it was January and all I’d managed to do is keep up with the regular cleaning.

This is actually my primary motivator for continuing the blog. I still have so much to do around here. My office is still a disorganized mess. The kids’ rooms are piled high with crap. And don’t get me started on the garage…

We did do a few projects. We painted and re-carpeted the basement, decluttering a bit along the way. We got new front doors and a new dining room table. But we still need some serious help, and I’ll be blogging about that as we go along. Thanks to my new inspiration – Pinterest – I’m going to be tackling 31 days of decluttering in March, along with a few other tasks. Oh, and we’re 99% certain we are going to re-do our kitchen this year. We need to get moving on that!

Leaner:

I abandoned the Paleo experiment right after our vacation in July. In all honesty, it was just not working for me. My family didn’t like half the recipes and it was just so darn hard to cook separate meals for them and for me.

This does not mean, however, that I abandoned my “leaner” quest. Quite the opposite, in fact! I’m happy to report that this has been my most successful area.

After a month or two of post-vacation slump, I’d had enough. I decided it was time to stop ignoring what had clearly been significant weight gain over the past few years, so I hopped on the scale. Or, rather, I BROKE the scale (metaphorically speaking). Ugh, my weight was higher than I realized and far higher than it should have been. I was veering dangerously into an area where my BMI (Body Mass Index) was actually overweight. For someone as into fitness as I am, that was unacceptable.

I decided to log back into My Fitness Pal and start tracking my food intake. I realized I had not been exercising as much as I used to (not running marathons anymore had taken its toll) and eating WAY more than I should. I diligently started tracking everything I ate and trying to stick within a certain calorie count. I restricted no foods, but did focus on eating fresh, whole, healthy foods with only occasional treats.

It worked. Okay, no, I didn’t magically drop 25 pounds. It did start coming off… very, very, very, very slowly. And since the beginning of November, I’m down 6.8 pounds in total. That might not seem like a lot, but I believe it is sustainable and reasonable. I feel 100% better than I did, so I plan to keep going even if I don’t lose another pound. If I don’t lose any more weight, I am going to have to accept the fact that this may be where my body wants to be. I refuse to starve myself or do anything crazy—when I do things like that, I put the weight right back on (and then some). So no more of that yo-yo for me.

Oh, and those black pants? They fit beautifully! Not even a little bit tight!

Greener:

I haven’t done a thing. Not one thing. But I will… it’s a journey, right?

So that’s the update for now. I am really going to try to update at least once a week with new things/ideas/recipes, etc. I’m doing it mostly to keep myself on track and to get my home and my life to where I want. I’ll have lots to update—like the fact I’ve re-fallen in love with Pinterest—and hopefully lots of progress to report in 2015!

“Hurry up and eat your sugary cereal…”

All families have their own inside jokes. One of our favourites took place on our second trip to Walt Disney World in 2012.

We first went to Florida as a family in 2011. We had a chance to rent out our house for two weeks, so we decided to take the kids to Orlando and experience Disney World and one day at Universal Studios. I only went to Disney once as a kid, and then we went to Hollywood Studios (then Disney MGM Studios) in 2002, when I was at a conference in Orlando. My husband came with me because we had friends in Orlando, and on the Sunday before the conference began, they took us on a tour of this particular theme park. (I was 4 months pregnant a the time, however, so I couldn’t go on to any rides.)

I was beyond exited to take my kids to Disney. Heck, I was excited to experience it for myself. I had amazing memories of going on Space Mountain and I was dying to relive it again.

Would Space Mountain be as I remembered?

We had an amazing trip, no doubt about it. My kids are thrill seekers, and even though my little man was only five, he loved every ride he was able to go on. We already had season’s passes for Canada’s Wonderland, but this trip really cemented our family’s love of amusement parks.

(Side note: I know a lot of people don’t quite “get” our love of theme parks, and that’s okay. I always figure that everyone has their own “things” they like to do as a family and what’s fun for one family can be torture for another! We’ve figured out that we would LOATHE a beach vacation—especially my husband and kids—because everyone would be bored!)

But one day, when we were on the monorail back to the parking lot from the Magic Kingdom, we met a lady and her little boy who talked to us about all the hotels she had stayed out. We passed the Grand Floridian hotel, and she remarked, “Oh, we stayed here last year.” Then the Polynesian Resort. “Oh, we stayed here two years ago.”

This is where we stayed on our first trip to Florida – Fantasy World Villas. The Grand Floridian it ain’t.

Can you say jealous? I was, and so was my husband. “We’ll never be able to do that,” I lamented to him after we parted ways with the lady. (She was headed to the Contemporary Resort, completing the “triad” of deluxe resorts on the monorail near the Magic Kingdom. Ouch!)

Fast forward a year later, and we booked our first on-property trip to Disney’s Saratoga Springs resort.

Staying in a deluxe Disney Resort? A dream come true!

We never dreamed we could stay in a deluxe resort on property, and yet here we were! We were also lucky enough to stay in a one-bedroom suite, which meant we had a full kitchen and could prepare some of our meals in our suite.

The kitchen in our one-bedroom suite.

As part of the treat, we let the kids choose whatever junky, sugary cereals they wanted. They chose things like Cookie Crisp and this lovely box full of crap:

Blech. How about a bowl of cardboard coated in sugar?

One night, however, we stayed out late at the Magic Kingdom for Extra Magic Hours (when they keep the park open late only for people staying at a Disney resort). We were pooped when we left, and it was hard to get the kids going the next day.

Someone just didn’t want to get up!

As the kids perched at the breakfast bar with bowls of these sugary delights, I tried to jolly them along and hurry them up. They grumbled back at me that I was being mean and they didn’t feel like hurrying.

That’s when I came out with a line that has become legendary in our family. “Yes, yes, yes, I’m the meanest mother in the world,” I told them. “You poor guys are so unlucky to have a bad mother like me. Now, hurry up and eat your sugary cereal SO WE CAN GO TO AN AMUSUEMENT PARK!”

The kids still laugh about this today, because, of course, who wouldn’t want a mom that lets you eat sugary crap like Fruity Pebbles and takes you to theme parks?!

Since that time, we’ve been to Disney once more (staying at Animal Kingdom AND at Bay Lake Tower, part of the Contemporary Resort) and on Saturday, we’re leaving for another trip, staying at Disney’s Beach Club Resort for one week and at a Hilton for a few more days in Orlando. And while I’m beyond excited (and yes, I am more than aware of how lucky we are to be taking ANOTHER Trip to Disney… and I am also aware that we are becoming those people who go on the same trip every year), I’m also worried.

What’s got me so worried? One word: food. You see, I’ve been doing really well with my food these days. Okay, this weekend was a bit of a bust, with events and BBQs and the like, but during the week, my diet has been exactly what I want it to be. Tons of veggies, some fruit and some protein. I feel great!

But on vacation, I know I’m not always going to want to stick to my meal plan. It’s a theme park, for goodness sake – the food is going to be decadent and bad for you! We have dinner reservations at some amazing restaurants, and honestly, I don’t want to spend my time worrying about every morsel that goes in my mouth. I want to eat bread. And cheese. And dessert. And, again, honestly, I don’t want to spend my precious family vacation working out.

Family time is precious on vacation. Even when my child spends his time fighting a Sith Lord.

So how am I going to avoid gaining weight? What if I put on every pound I’ve lost over the past month and a half?

I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a worry. But the way I figure it, I have three choices.

1. Eat whatever I want, don’t exercise and gain a ton of weight.
2. Follow a very strict diet, don’t eat any grains or dairy, and work out every day just like I would at home.
3. Find a happy medium. Accept that I may gain a few pounds, but enjoy my vacation.

Guess which one I’m going to choose?

Seriously, I have come up with what I think is a pretty good plan to help me make it through this. Fortunately, we are staying in one bedroom suites, so once again we will have a full kitchen. We are driving to Florida, so our beloved Blendtec is making the trip with us, and we will have smoothies every morning, just as we would at home.

I’ve also decided that for lunches, I will try not to stray too far from my regular eating habits. We’ll be eating most of those at quick-service restaurants, so my goal will be to have salads with protein for those lunches, and skip dessert.

Then, for dinners, I shall just enjoy myself! And if there’s a treat I really want, I will split it with someone else, if at all possible.

How can I NOT have a great time at a stunning resort like this?

As for the workouts, I’ll go crazy if I don’t work out a little bit on my trip. I can take advantage of hotel gyms, so every other day I will run 5K either outside (if it’s not too hot in the early morning) or in the gym. On the days I don’t run, I have created two little in-room workouts that will take me 12-20 minutes, tops, while the kids eat breakfast. I’ll have to bring a skipping rope, but the first routine is pretty simple: 500 skips, 100 squats, 100 push-ups and 50 burpees. The other is a 12 minute Tabata sequence with jumping jacks, squat leaps and burpees. They’ll be tough but short and just enough to keep me going.

Just writing this down makes me feel less uneasy about going away. Yes, I may gain some weight. That is unavoidable. But my family has been through a lot this year, and we desperately need this vacation and family time. There will be plenty of time to go back to my regular eating habits when we get home, and I know for a fact my regular workouts will resume. So I will stick to the plan that I’ve made and just enjoy our time away.

But I won’t be eating any sugary cereal!

Finally, we’ll get to go on the long-awaited Seven Dwarfs Mine Train!

She’s got Sami Brady arms

My husband has been extremely supportive of my little foray into Paleo (or, as I prefer to call it, grain-free and dairy-free eating). He’s willing to eat the meals I cook, to cut out snacking at night and is just generally helpful in not suggesting we order a pizza or Swiss Chalet take out.

But he’s also not fully participating in this new eating plan with me either. With the exception of two non-Paleo meals, I haven’t consumed any grains or dairy in the past month. (As an aside, I refuse to call it “cheating.” Cheating has negative connotations, and I refuse to beat myself up for eating a grain or a dairy product from time to time. If this lifestyle is to stick, there has to be some flexibility and balance built in. If not, there will come a day—maybe tomorrow, maybe in three months—where I will go completely off the rails and go right back to my old eating habits.)

Husband, however, has been continuing to eat grains and dairy. Honestly, I never asked or expected him to fully embrace grain-free and dairy-free eating, nor do I think he should. He’s a grown up—he can eat what he wants. If he wants to grab a pita or a slice of pizza at lunch, I’ve got no problem with that. I’m still serving the kids grain products, and I serve them to him as well.

Here’s the part that sucks. He’s lost weight. Like, a LOT of weight. He’s actually the lightest he’s ever been in the 17 years since we started dating. He’s just 7 pounds away from his goal weight.

Rationally, I know why he’s losing so much weight. Neither of us is snacking in the same way at night. Nor are we drinking as much wine. He’s eating very healthy meals at home, and doing very well eating when he’s at work. He’s exercising way more than he used to work out.

Irrationally, though, there’s a small part of me that’s peeved. He’s still eating white potatoes, and bread and sugar and the weight is practically falling off him! Me? Not so much.

Yes, it’s true. After initially losing some bloat, I haven’t lost any weight on my new eating regime. The fit of my black pants hasn’t budged (I’m still not weighing myself… I may never step on my scale again!).  I look exactly the same as I did two weeks ago. All the problem areas are still there… I still have Thunder Thighs, Mummy Tummy, and Sami Brady Arms.

What are Sami Brady Arms? Well, first, I have to send my apologies to Alison Sweeney, the lovely actress and host of The Biggest Loser. She is an absolutely beautiful woman (and younger than me, dammit!), but in the ‘90s her arms were a bit on the chunky side!

Apologies to this very lovely actress… whose arms look nothing like this today!

We watched Days of our Lives endlessly in university, and I had a fear of my arms looking like hers. Now, like me, she works out and today she looks fantastic. (I’d be thrilled to have her current arms!)

I guess if I had TODAY’s Sami Brady arms, I’d be pretty happy right now.

Well, fast-forward to today and my arms have a distinct early ‘90s Sami Brady appearance. When I’m being honest with myself, it bums me out a bit. I do weight/muscle workouts a LOT and I’ve got muscle. I just don’t LOOK all that muscular. A big part of that is just plain genetic. Some people, no matter how much they work out, aren’t ever going to be cut like a fitness model.

Yes, you’ll read all kinds of articles like this one that promise you things like flat abs and a six pack. That if you eat clean you’ll look all muscular and defined. But when I read these things, they drive me a bit batty. The truth is that I could do ab exercises until the cows come home, but I have a massive amount of stretch marks on my stomach and completely stretched out skin. The only way my stomach will ever be truly flat and smooth is through surgery (or in my imagination).

For the most part, I’m okay with that, but like I mentioned before, it does still make me sad sometimes. While I knew my tummy was a lost cause, I really did hope that my new, clean eating regime would help with my Sami Brady arms.

That’s why it’s a bit disheartening to see my husband shed those pounds so easily. Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY proud of him. He’s done very well and I want him to continue working out and losing weight. It’s just that I wanted to shed the weight TOGETHER, and it’s feeling just a bit one-sided right now. I know, I know… men always seem to lose weight more easily than women and I shouldn’t worry about it. But when I see those Sami Brady arms in the mirror, I think to myself, “What’s the point?” And that’s what has to change. It’s not my Sami Brady arms that are really the problem. Quite frankly, my husband doesn’t love me any less because of those arms. My kids don’t love me any less either, nor do my friends. Not one of them gives a damn about how my arms (or tummy or legs look). Nobody else even looks at me, for goodness sake! So why do I beat myself up over this?

That’s why, in the words of this Disney heroine, it’s time to…

Yep, here’s another thing I’m going to let go of—my Sami Brady Arms, my Thunder Thighs, my Mummy Tummy. They’re here. They exist. And I won’t let them bother me any more! If I want to wear shorts or a running skirt when working out, I’m going to wear them. If I want to wear shorts to an amusement park with my family, I’m going to wear them. And if I want to wear a bikini this summer? Well, I will!

Words to live by. (Apologies for the profanity!)

One caveat to all this. Just because I’m going to accept myself doesn’t mean I’m giving up my new eating regime. I am still going to continue this “Paelo” regime. Why? Well, first and foremost, I have to admit I feel fantastic. Much better (and clearer) than I have in a while. Fuelling myself with tons of veggies, some fruit and some protein clearly agrees with me. Eating real food agrees with me. I like this lifestyle where I eat cleanly, and I won’t abandon that. I will allow myself treats, but I don’t want to go back to where I was before. Remember my initial food rule? Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants. These are words to live by.

And so, I will continue on this journey. We took a big step toward getting “greener” this week by slowly starting to switch over to more “green” options. On Sunday, we went to the Centro Farmer’s Market in downtown Burlington and bought some grass-fed beef and bison chipotle sausages.

A few of the offerings from @poire_william.

Cooked up with a ton of fresh veggies, those bison sausages were delicious! We did get regular (ethically-raised) pork sausages for the kids, but the older boy also devoured a bison sausage. All three guys also had a baked potato, but I didn’t even need one. This meal was divine all on its own!

The picture doesn’t do this meal justice!

The cleaning continues this week. As soon as I’m done writing this, I’m off to help the boys tackle their bedrooms. We’re taking it slow (summer time is also fun time!), but it’s a start. The rest of the house will happen when it happens!

The black pants paradox

I have a confession to make. I have no idea what I weigh.

I suppose that’s a bit disingenuous of me to constantly complain about my weight (ask my friends – I do) when I don’t even know what that weight is. But the truth of the matter is that I broke up with my scale two years ago and we’re not getting back together any time soon.

I know many people who tell you that weight is just a number, but I’m not entirely sure I agree with that. The truth of the matter is that for me, it’s not just a number. It has meaning, and generally speaking, that meaning is one that drags me down into a pit of despair.

Here’s why I broke up with the scale. I’m 5’11” in my bare feet, and I work out 6-7 times a week. I have lots of muscle, and that means I’m never going to like the number on the scale. NEVER. It’s always going to be higher than I want it to be, because it’s never going to be 120 pounds. It can’t be 120 pounds… I doubt I’d survive if I weighed 120 pounds. (That would actually be an extremely unhealthy weight for someone of my height and bone structure.) But while I can rationally understand this, emotion still gets in the way. Emotionally, when I see that number on the scale, it makes me want to cry. It makes me hate myself, my height, my bones, my muscles and every thing else about my body. It makes me compare myself to others, and I always come up short. (Sorry about the irony there!)

Hence the breakup. At my last checkup, my doctor weighed me in kilograms, and I refused to convert it. He didn’t bat an eye or say a word to me about needing to lose weight, so I am choosing to believe that I am in a healthy weight range for my height.

Which brings me back to my original thought: How do I know I need to lose weight? For the past two years for me, it’s been about two things: look and feel. How do I look and how do I feel? And that, my friends, is how I know I need to lose weight. I don’t look the way I used to look and I certainly don’t feel the way I used to feel. That alone told me it was time for a change.

Instead of using the scale, I’ve got a sure-fire trick to ensure I’m a healthy weight. I have a pair of black pants that I use to tell the tale. I bought this pair of pants two years ago at a store in Buffalo called New York and Company. I LOVE this store beyond belief, partly because they sell fun clothes for “mom” body types (big belly and thighs!) and partly because all their pants and jeans are available in tall sizes. It’s affordable and practical, but I don’t look I went shopping with the grandmas at Sears to get clothes that fit.

I bought a pair of black, wide-leg pants in a size 6. (Their sizes are a bit bigger than at other stores… I’d say I go a size down in just about everything there.) They are the perfect gauge of my weight. When I’m at a good weight, the pants are nice and roomy in the waist and thighs. When I’ve been over-indulging, they do up, but are just a scootch (is that a word?) too tight. I kind of have to suck in my gut to do them up. They’re also just a wee bit too stuck to my thighs. And if I’m really in trouble? I can barely get them done up at all.

Oh look, they took a picture of me in my black pants! (Don’t I wish!)

I wore them on May 27 of this year (before I started the Paleo experiment) and they were too tight. Sure, I got them done up, but I felt like a stuffed sausage. It’s part of what prompted this change of diet.

Sunday, after a week of Paleo, I decided to try them on as a test. In good news, they fit! They still could have been a bit less snug on the thighs, but the waist did up easily. They’d still look better a bit looser, but overall, it was much better.

And that, of course, leads me to believe that the Paleo experiment has been a success. I’ve actually decided to stick with it for at least another week, and I’m starting to think it will become somewhat of a way of life. Now, that’s not to say I’m never going to eat another grain or dairy product again, but I do believe I may follow a grain-and-dairy-free diet at least 80 per cent of the time.

The truth is that I feel great. Much, much better than I did. The bloat is gone, I feel more energetic and I’m just generally happier in my skin. If one week did that, what will 30 days do? A lifetime? Even if I don’t lose another pound (not that I have any idea what I may have lost in a week!), it’s just a healthier way of eating. It really fits into my belief of eating REAL, unpackaged, whole foods. I eat mostly plant-based foods, and I can really feel the difference.

Healthy snacks… homemade guacamole, homemade tahini dip and carrot sticks.

Now the key, of course, is to stick to it! That will be a challenge… I’ll keep you posted.

In the meantime, things have been busy around here. I’m about halfway through the kitchen cleanup. I hope to have it finished by tomorrow. So far I’ve dumped a bag full of paper to recycle from the kids’ drawers and a bag of garbage.

That’s paper from four drawers (to be recycled). And my foot, which I only just realized is in the picture.

I probably won’t get much done today, as I’m off to get re-certified for CPR this afternoon. If I can finish tomorrow, that would be great, as Thursday is a very busy day (more on that to come) and Friday is my graduation day! It should be interesting having to eat lunch and dinner out on Friday, but I’m feeling very strong and I can do this!

My week as Fred Flintstone

I’m four days into my Paleo experiment and haven’t killed anyone yet. I am taking this as a good sign.

While I’m planning to stick it out until Sunday as planned, I’m not 100% sold on this Paleo diet. I thought I’d take a few minutes today to figure out some of my thoughts surrounding this diet.

I haven’t had too much trouble sticking to it this week. We are eating lots of veggies, fruit and lean proteins. I have not cut out grains for the children, nor will I, partly because they wouldn’t hear of it. I need to have substantial food in their lunches, and since we cannot send anything with nuts to school, it’s tricky to give them homemade items. YES, I know I can make bread myself that does not have nuts, but I do use nuts in much of my cooking and I fear that some of my equipment (i.e. food processor, etc.) may still have traces of nuts in it. Perhaps I’m being paranoid, but I would guess that parents of children with severe nut allergies would thank me for my caution.

Anyway, back to the diet. I think there are a lot of positives to this diet. Here’s what I like about it:

• I’m eating less. No doubt about it, when I don’t eat breads/pastas/rice/sugar, I eat less. (As an aside, I honestly believe this is why so many gluten-free diets work for many people. It’s why Atkins and South Beach and all these low-carb diets work, in my opinion. You JUST EAT LESS.) Since I’m someone who needed to eat less, I am finding this very effective.
• I’m not having any cravings. Plenty of studies have been done on the effect of carbohydrates and sugars on blood sugar and appetite. There is proof that sugar has an addicting quality. I know plenty of people preach moderation (I’m one of them), but truthfully, I have a hard time practicing what I preach. Put a box of crackers in front of me, and I’ll plow through them in no time. Ditto a bag of chips. And I crave more. On this, day four, my cravings are down to nil.

Here’s what I don’t like:

• Too much meat. I like meat. I like to eat it regularly. But with the restrictions in this diet on legumes and dairy, I seem to be finding all my protein from meat or nuts, and I feel like I’ve overdosed on meat and eggs. We’re talking chicken breast, pork loin, three eggs for breakfast, turkey, salmon… The meal plan advocates having leftover meat for breakfast. Blech. Today I went back to my smoothie, even though I couldn’t use my regular vegan protein I’ve always used (it is made with brown rice). We added cashew butter instead this morning, but I cannot TAKE anymore meat! (For anyone who thinks Paleo is like Atkins where you can eat all the red meat, bacon and butter you want, think again. The book I have by Robb Wolf does NOT recommend eating much of these types of meat. Lean beef, yes. Chicken, turkey, fish? Of course. A BIT of bacon? Sure, in moderation. But you cannot sit down to a pound of bacon!
• No brown rice. I NEVER thought this would bother me. It does. I don’t even need to eat it a lot, but I do really miss my protein in the morning. I could live without brown rice at dinner. I could even think about a grain-free diet. But I miss the ability to use ingredients with brown rice.
• I’m hungry. Okay, I’m complaining about that, but it’s because I am indeed eating less. And while I don’t like it, it is also necessary. Personally, if I need to lose weight, I have to be hungry throughout the day. All these diets that say, “You shouldn’t be hungry” won’t work for me. For me, to lose weight, I need to take in fewer calories than I burn. That means I need to be hungry. No hunger=no weight loss. (This may not be true for everyone. I just know it is true for ME.)

I can see that I will likely loosen up the rules for myself next week, but for the most part, I am sticking with this. I really do like the emphasis on vegetables, making it easier to stick to my number one food rule of: Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much.

Yesterday, I did miss my bread, though. I decided to make this recipe from Elana’s Pantry, a fantastic site for grain-free, gluten-free, dairy-free and Paleo recipes. I substituted maple syrup for the honey, but otherwise kept it the same. It was DELICIOUS. Just what I needed to stay on track.

Cashew bread, courtesy Elana’s Pantry. Bread cravings solved!

It was even better when I made a small sandwich with my dinner. I made the Paleo Pot Rost recipe from Robb Wolf’s The Paleo Solution, only with some modifications. I spooned this on to the bread and it was like a cross between a pulled pork sandwich and an Italian sandwich. Here’s my version:

• 1 3-lb. pork loin
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 head cauliflower, chopped
• 2 tsp. sea salt, freshly-ground black pepper, garlic power, onion powder & oregano (or to taste – I didn’t really measure it!)

Put all ingredients in a crock-pot and cook for 6-7 hours on low. Shred pork before serving.

Pork loin, cauliflower and tomato sauce. The kids thought it looked weird, but it was delicious.

I even have some leftovers for lunch. It was really good. I’m going to keep experimenting with recipes this week and on the weekend, just to keep going. On Monday, I’ll figure out exactly which parts of this I’m going to stick with and which parts I’ll jettison.

Now I’m off to continue the kitchen cleanup. I haven’t done much. I’m also very embarrassed to admit that I had TWO garbage bags full of old food from the pantry, fridge and freezer to throw out today. NO MORE WASTING FOOD. That is a huge part of this cleaning, leaning and greening process. Today, the cupboards are getting a big wipe-down. It’s about time!

The F-word

“I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, three pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&Ms and, like, three pieces of licorice.”
                                                                         —Cher Horowitz

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’d better get my eyes checked.

The other day, I was out shopping with my friends. As we’re all workout junkies, we’d made a pact to head to Lululemon and check out some of the new summer clothes. I wanted a second pair of Studio crops in grey (I have the pants and the crops in black – I have a feeling I’ll be LIVING in them this summer), and I also wanted to try on their new collection of bathing suits. (And NO, I do not like bathing suit shopping, but we are going on a two-week vacation this summer and I will be spending lots of time by a pool, in waterparks and by an ocean. Apparently you CANNOT wear a parka when you do this.)

Is this appropriate beach attire?

So… what’s the deal with mirrors anyway? Words cannot express how awful this experience was. The glare off my white, cellulite-laden thighs was enough to blind me. The “mummy tummy.” Gurbles and burbles of fat rippled off of me. Sigh.

Here’s the killer part. I looked like I have never worked out in my life. Which, as anyone who knows me knows, that’s simply untrue. And it’s not even that I work out… I WORK OUT. I’m actually really fit. I’ve run two marathons, a bunch of half marathons and done a Tough Mudder. I do weights. I box. I do tons of body-weighted muscle. I teach a fitness class once a week, for heaven’s sake! I’m fit! My heart rate is 58 beats per minute. This morning, I did 120 curb run-ups in one minute, 30 seconds, then proceeded to do 110 squat leaps in 1:30. (I just realized this sounds like bragging… and I’m sorry, that’s not what I’m getting at here—bear with me, I’ve got a point.)

The family that trains together, stays together.

What the heck happened in that dressing room, then? I had a chance to stumble across this article this morning, and it got me to thinking about this whole concept of what it’s like to be “not fat” and yet “not skinny” at the same time. (Please don’t be offended by my use of the f-word. I am directing this solely at myself and I promise you, I don’t want to judge ANYONE else based on his or her weight!)

See, I’ve been fat with a capital F. I gained a monstrous amount of weight when I was pregnant (uh, both times) and it was tough to lose it. I’ve done that. I do know, deep down, that I am not “fat.” But I’m not skinny either, and it’s living in this in-between area that can be challenging.

When I was fat, I could just BE fat. I was fat and I knew it. I shopped in a plus-size store and I ate whatever I wanted. I knew people would judge me, but it was okay because I was fat. Whatever they were thinking about me, it couldn’t be any worse than what I thought about myself. And in a weird way, you kind of learn to be at peace with that. You don’t expect to “look good” in a bathing suit or anything else for that matter, because you self-identify as a “fat” person. Was I happy with it? No, not really, but it was what it was.

After I had my youngest son, I got a little fed up with being that person. I craved a change. I joined a gym and began my fitness and weight loss journey. Eight years later, I am a different person—I am that fit person I just talked about above. I somehow got hooked on exercise and can’t even imagine my life without it. I’ll never stop; it’s become a huge part of who I am and how I want to live my life. I exercise for exercise’s sake… because it makes me healthy, happy and whole.

But the truth of the matter is that I’m not skinny or thin either. I’m just kind of… medium? Average? Whatever you want to call it, it’s something that brings with it its own challenges.

Take going out to eat, for example. In the original blog post I read (written by a 20-something, so not EVERYTHING applies to my almost-40 self), one of the things she mentions is eating in front of people you don’t really know well. Every word rang true:

“So you’re at a restaurant with a person or a couple people you’re not close with. They could be co-workers, a date, acquaintances (AKA not your BFFs), people you just started to become friends with, etc. You scan the menu and see a lot of things that make you want to have sex, i.e. macaroni and cheese, pizza, a burger with fries. However, your inner skinny person is telling you that should probably get a salad. Your inner fat person, though, is begging you to get the fries… but umm what is everyone else getting? What if no one else gets a big meal? What if they all get salads? You can’t be the fat one who gets carbs. Then they’ll think you’re fat… even though you’re not… but you’re not skinny… so… whatever. You’re getting cheese fries salad. You’ll probably have a snack when you get home. It’s fine.”

I’ll admit it… I like to eat. (And honestly, working out as much as I do makes my HUNGRY.) I know damn well that the reason I’m not thin is because I like cheese. And wine. And French fries. And chips. (Shall I go on?) But I’m just at that weight where people might look at me eating fries and say, “does she REALLY need that?”

Ditto the bathing suit shopping, or any other clothes shopping, for that matter. When we hit up Lululemon, there was an endless amount of size two tank tops on the sale rack. There was ONE size eight. That means lots of people are likely a size eight, right? Well, let me tell you, when I grabbed the size eight bathing suit… you know the rest of the story. But then you say to yourself, “Come on! I thought I wasn’t fat! Why do I look like this in a bathing suit?!” It’s because you’re also not thin.

I’m not seriously complaining, here, of course.  I thank my lucky stars every day that I am fit and healthy. It’s just that every so often, I don’t want to be “medium.” I want to be thin. I don’t want to worry about what other people might think of me when I’m eating fries or wearing a bathing suit.

Then I open a bottle of wine…

 

Does this make everything better… or worse?!

Okay, that’s the end of today’s rant. I don’t have an answer for any of this, but I do know that part of the work I have to do is clean up my own brain and stop obsessing over issues such as these. (Part of the reason for this blog!)

This week’s focus is going to continue the “cleaner” theme. The great fridge/freezer clean-out is ongoing. I did hit the grocery store yesterday, but just bought the staples (fruits, veggies and other stuff for the kids’ lunches). This afternoon I will start cleaning out the basement (books, toys, etc.) and hopefully we will start painting down there this weekend.

On to the next challenge…

Emotional rescue

I’ve been in a bit of a slump the past few days, which usually happens to me when I start “restricting” my diet. (And by “restricting,” I actually mean eating properly and not gobbling down whatever garbage I want!) The first few days are always the roughest, and this time is no exception.

That’s the thing, really. I truly want to get out of this destructive cycle I have of eating/drinking wine in an attempt to alleviate whatever stresses are in my life. Work, finishing a masters degree, and the death of a family member all pushed me over the edge this spring, and I got through each day surfing waves of coffee, cheese, carbohydrates and wine—and not necessarily in that order!

Of course, I know that this is neither healthy nor sustainable, so back on track I must go (as evidenced by the “leaner” portion of this blog). So why does it make me feel so blue?

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m really just sticking to three rules—eating real food, no food after 7 p.m. and writing everything down. But I’m not cutting out any food groups or types at this point. I don’t feel mentally ready for that.

Last night, I went for a run with my two running friends. We run several times a week, plus we’re all in the same exercise classes, so suffice it to say over the past few years we’ve become pretty close. We talked about just this topic, and it came down to this exact thing: emotional eating.

Now, this isn’t true for everyone—I do know lots of people who aren’t emotional eaters. But I also know a lot of people who ARE, and I’m definitely one of them. Unfortunately, my husband is also one of them, so together we are a lethal combination. When one of us is down, the other is quick to use food for consolation.

I’ve tried for years to get to the bottom of my emotional eating and it would seem I can’t. (Ya think?!). So for the next few weeks, I am really questioning everything I put in my mouth and asking myself the question: “Am I really hungry?” If I’m truly, tummy-grumbling hungry, then I should eat. (And again, I need to be aware of WHAT I’m putting into my body.) But otherwise, I need to really look at what is emotionally driving me to eat.

This isn’t something I’m going to overcome in a week or a month. It may take months, or a year, or it may be something I never truly get a handle on. That’s part of this whole “cleaning” process. But I’ve started. I want to get back to that place where I feel better about myself. I’ve been there (check out my marathon picture from 2010 – I’ve never felt better) and I can get there again.

Can I get back to this place again? (I’d like those arms back please!!)

How is everything else going during this “summer of George?” Well, the last few days have been busy with the minutiae of daily life and some job stuff that cropped up. (I don’t feel like getting into too many details, but suffice it to say it was more than a lack of food making me blue these past few days.)

Workouts are on track, as always! (Here’s a shot of me teaching a class a few weeks ago—yes, I’m in the middle of 100 squat leaps.) Later this week I want to post some thoughts about exercise and how it fits into this, but I’m sticking to my usual routine.

Squat leaps – oh joy!

I’m debating adding some more yoga to the routine. Went to my friend/trainer/all-round-fitness superstar Sue Abell’s Balance, Core and Flow class for the first time on Friday and was reminded of how GOOD yoga is for me. I’m looking at joining Climber’s Rock here in Burlington (with a 60 days for $60 climbing and yoga membership) to try and get more yoga in, but as of yet haven’t gotten up off my butt to do so. Maybe by Monday I’ll be ready and more into a routine with my new eating plan.

Lastly, on the “leaner” front, I have been diligently journaling my food intake using the My Fitness Pal app on my phone. Yes, it is something of a calorie counter, but it also takes into account your workouts, so I figure if I try and stick somewhere around the 1,500-2,000 calorie range per day, I prevent myself from overeating. (You know… I make sure the “treats” don’t go spiral out of control).

The cleaning project has suddenly slowed down after finishing the front hall last week. I said I was going to start on my bedroom this week… and, well, I haven’t. I think I will tackle my dresser drawers today, and hopefully get to the closet tomorrow. Friday will be pre-empted by the “regular” weekly cleaning (dusting, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the bathrooms, etc.), but if I can finish sorting through all my clothes and all of the kids’ clothes by the end of next week, I should get back on track.

I’m also in the mood to paint my dressers… the old pine Ikea dressers have seen better days, and are a bit “country” for my taste. My sister-in-law recently painted some of her furniture with Annie Sloan Chalk Paint, and she swears by it. I have a bunch of furniture I’d love to paint (or repaint) so I may have to try it out.

In need of some fresh paint?

And maybe some new knobs?

I still haven’t gotten around to reflecting on the “greener” portion of this blog, but that is also coming in the next few days. For now, it’s time to pull myself out of my little slump and stop feeling so sorry for myself. Life is good – it’s time to make it even better!

What’s in a name? (Part two)

I figure I have three choices I can make.

I’m talking about the “lighter” portion of this blog—the part where I try and both literally and metaphorically make myself lighter. Metaphorically speaking, it’s actually not that hard. It ties in well with the “cleaner” aspect of my journey, in terms of clearing out the clutter in my home, clearing out the cobwebs in my mind and letting go of worry. Lightening my load, so to speak, so that I can really focus on my long-term career goals and figure out what I want from life.

The literal aspects of lighter are tougher, and I think that’s a result of my mind as well. I’ll be honest here—yes, I struggle with my weight. My weight ballooned both times I was pregnant, and while I have managed to get back down to a “healthy” body mass index (BMI), it’s still an area of struggle.

When it comes to weight, I feel like I’ve been on a see-saw for the past few years. I’ve done cleanses, detoxes and “resets” and really taken control of my eating habits. But then stress sends me sliding right back into old habits—comfort food, eating out and loads of red wine. I say I’m only going to drink wine on Friday and Saturday nights, and suddenly it’s Tuesday and there I am with a glass in my hand because “I’m tired.” Or, “I’m stressed.”

The worst part of all this is that I KNOW what to do. Last fall, I took part in a group “reset” with Tread Powerfully. The picture below is the “value image” I created as part of that experience. I spent a few weeks really ensuring that I nourished my body properly and I felt 100 x better. But then my crazy schedule turned everything on its head. Ah, my old friend stress, what would I do without you?

What’s really important to me? These words tell the story.

So, here I am, at least 20 pounds heavier than I want to be. If one of my goals in the next few months is to make myself lighter, how am I going to achieve that?

Hence my three choices. One: I can choose not to do anything—keep eating and drinking whatever I want, and accept the weight I am at. Two: I can go to the other extreme and cut back my calories and eat nothing but veggies, sweet potato and chicken. Three: I can find a balance between the two.

I’m choosing balance. But still, I know myself, and I need a plan. I really don’t want to do another detox, cleanse or “reset” where I remove all traces of gluten, dairy, etc. from my diet. One thing I’ve learned is that I don’t have any real food sensitivities—I don’t NEED to be on a gluten-free or dairy-free diet. But I do need to stick to a clear focus.

I also hate counting calories, but I know that when I hold myself accountable for what I eat, I am much more careful. I debated lots of different ways to try and lose the weight… joining a program (like Weight Watchers or Herbal Magic or Dr. Bernstein), low-carb (Atkins/South Beach), paleo… but nothing felt right. Other than Weight Watchers, I know darn well things like Herbal Magic and Dr. Bernstein are crap. They give you weird supplements or injections and cut you back to 800 calories a day, NONE of which are healthy. (There is NO magic pill for weight loss – and don’t ever believe anyone who tries to tell you differently.) And Weight Watchers is a bit too much like calorie counting for my liking these days.

Ditto the “fad” diets. For me, cutting out a food only makes me want it more. I also don’t have the kind of life or family where I can just cut out whole food groups.

So where does that leave me? Well, given what I’ve already learned about nutrition, I am starting to form a pretty clear plan of how to lighten my wide load (get it?). I’ll talk more about nutrition in the coming weeks, but suffice it to say here’s a preliminary look at my plan:

• “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly from plants.” This rule, from Michael Pollan, is probably the most important one. In other words – cut out the processed foods and try and make as much as possible from scratch.
• The kitchen closes at 7 p.m. Yep, no eating after 7. Of course, there may be exceptions to this on special occasions, but “It’s Thursday and I’m tired” is NOT a special occasion.
• Write it down. When I keep track of what goes in my mouth, I keep “treats” to a minimum. Ditto wine. (I’m not giving up wine, but the old rule of weekends only is going back into effect. And, again, on special occasions—but “It’s Tuesday and I’m stressed” is also NOT a special occasion.)

That’s it—that simple. But it’s not easy. I wish I could say I was a person who always makes the right choices and never has a problem sticking to a healthy diet, but I’m not. I’m lazy and when I get tired or stressed, I seek out comfort food. I need this plan to help get me back on track. And if I can shed a few pounds, well, all the better.

I’ll be writing lots more about this soon, but at least I’ve gotten started. And I will be writing a lot more about fitness—you’ll notice my “plan” doesn’t involve upping my workouts, like a lot of weight loss blogs discuss. That’s because, quite frankly, I don’t need to up my workouts. I’m not going to pretend I’m not fit just for the sake of a blog or to make people feel better. I definitely plan to share what fitness means to me in an upcoming post, so stay tuned. For now, suffice it to say I don’t need a lot of help in the fitness area. I do it because I love it, plain and simple. Without it, I’d be a complete basket case.

Before I wrap this up, I just thought I’d share the finished front hall project. Okay, it’s not 100% finished—I would like to shampoo the area rug and touch-up the paint on the white chairs—but basically, it is ready to go. It’s so clean and fresh, I love it!

 

The feature wall, now featuring fewer fingerprints!

Instead of white, I chose to paint the kids’ shoe shelf the colour of dirt. Probably a smart move.

Back to normal!

Next week, I get to tackle another room. I’m thinking of doing my bedroom… I’d like to get a handle on the mess that is my clothing!! And, of course, I still need to define what I mean by “greener.” There’s always more to come!